


A Brush With The Devil Can Clear Your Mind

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: GatheringFiKi - 12 Days of Christmas 2018 [12]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angels, Angst, Blood, Darkness, Deadly Kíli, Demons, Did I Mention Darkness?, Fallen, Flexible Morals, Fíli Angst, Fíli Did A Bad Bad Thing, Guilt, Hatred, Hurt Kíli, Inspired by Fanart, Lust, M/M, Mentions of Murder, More Darkness, Reincarnation Gone Awry, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Stupid Decisions Caused Bad Things, Time is Fluid, Very flexible, Violence, back and forth, blame, dark desires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17168462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: Fili could almost lie to himself and say that it was care that caused Kili to watch his back even when he didn't realize he was there. But he knew that wasn't the correct story. The real truth of the matter was that Kili couldn't bear to let anyone else take a chance at him because he wanted payback and vengeance for everything that he had done wrong. He had betrayed Kili more than anyone could betray another person. If he'd ever had any doubt of that all he had to do was look into those cold, whiskey-colored eyes. Eyes that he used to dream about and used to want drown in them. Those eyes that had been filled with pain and blood that day everything went to hell.





	1. Neath the Curse of My Lover's Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Linane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linane/gifts), [Lakritzwolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/gifts), [girlmarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlmarvel/gifts), [Anathema_Cat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anathema_Cat/gifts), [Dragonsquill (dragonsquill)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonsquill/gifts), [AliceinDurinland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceinDurinland/gifts), [Silva_13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silva_13/gifts), [Chelidona (Hobbity)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/gifts), [DrakkHammer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakkHammer/gifts), [mina86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mina86/gifts), [islandkate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/gifts), [ktime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktime/gifts), [inkling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkling/gifts), [My_Trex_has_fleas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Trex_has_fleas/gifts), [KLeonard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KLeonard/gifts), [SaucyWench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaucyWench/gifts), [OhMyFili](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMyFili/gifts), [isisanubis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/isisanubis/gifts), [msilverstar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/msilverstar/gifts), [HollyAnn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyAnn/gifts), [KitsuneGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneGirl/gifts), [Blueskydancers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueskydancers/gifts), [Tourmaline10](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tourmaline10/gifts), [calicoswritingkatts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/calicoswritingkatts/gifts).



> Written for the GatheringFiKi - 12 Days of Christmas 2018 on Tumblr
> 
> Inspired by this lyric: "I tried to be the lover to your nightmare" by Digital Daggers and [this photoset](http://gatheringfiki.tumblr.com/post/146509506798/the-photosets-challenge-set-09-other).
> 
>  
> 
> I've never written anything quite like this, so please let me know what you think?

He knew who was behind him even before he turned around. He should not have been so surprised that the other had tracked him down, knowing him as he did. He was stubborn to the core and not one that he would have wanted to see right now.

"You shouldn't have come here, Kili."

The man that faced him shrugged slightly, acting like he didn't have a care in the world. He probably didn't if the stories about him were anything to go by. He was known to be enjoying a bit too much drink and a bit too many drugs. However, he never seemed to have any trouble completing a task when he picked up a job.

"I do a lot of things that people say I shouldn't do. You do, too. Always have. I'm guessing that it runs in our blood."

Kili's smile turned to a sneer when he said that and something deep within him ached. There had been a time so long ago when they were closer than two people could be. He knew he deserved that anger and disdain. He knew he deserved the hate that Kili felt for him. After all, he was the one that had left him behind to save his own skin. A decision he had regretted immensely as time passed and he grew up. Who knew what had happened to Kili after he abandoned him? Kili never saw fit to fill in any blanks any time that they ended up in the same area together. It was all conjecture that Fili pieced together from stories he heard or things he saw in Kili.

"Are you the one that they sent to be my executioner this time, Kili? The last four assassins didn't have very good luck when they came after me."

"I'm not here to kill you, not yet, anyway. But I also don't want anyone else to get the drop on you. When the day finally comes that you are to die, I'm going to be the one to end it. No one else has any right to take your blood."

Fili could almost lie to himself and say that it was care that caused Kili to watch his back even when he didn't realize he was there. But he knew that wasn't the correct story. The real truth of the matter was that Kili couldn't bear to let anyone else take a chance at him because he wanted payback and vengeance for everything that he had done wrong. He had betrayed Kili more than anyone could betray another person. If he'd ever had any doubt of that all he had to do was look into those cold, whiskey-colored eyes. Eyes that he used to dream about and used to want drown in them. Those eyes that had been filled with pain and blood that day everything went to hell.

Literally.

"You know that this is not the best place for you to get caught, Fili," his one-time brother and universe warned him. "They catch your scent and they'll think that you are fair game."

"What's wrong, Kili," Fili said in a mocking tone. "You afraid I'll hurt too many of their toys and your masters will take it out of your hide?"

He felt like shit when he saw the flare of panic flash in Kili's eyes before they were masked again. "No."

It was a lie and they both knew it.

Feeling regret for his thoughtless comment, Fili stepped forward to say something but Kili was suddenly gone.

That was not a surprise. Kili could disappear at will now. Much like he could, and damn it he hated this feeling of regret and sadness that threatened to choke him. Shouldn't these feelings have died long ago -- back when he first left Kili to whatever fate would befall him? Back when he hadn't realized how much it would hurt him to lose the one person that knew him? The one person that had ever truly given a damn about him?

Shaking his head, he stepped back. He had a job to finish. He waved his hand in front of him and the area erupted into blue flames. There would not be much left in the ash after the fire burned down -- and none would dare to brave the flames before they were gone. His flames could hurt even the toughest and foulest creature. That was one of the things that helped him stay alive.

Even though his actions had condemned Kili so many damn years ago.

Stepping back, he lifted his eyes, murmured something under his breath, and then he was also gone.  
  
  


**********

 

The next time they saw each other it was Fili that showed up to where Kili was taking care of business. He watched the black ichor lift up from the ground beneath Kili's victim and slowly coiled around the body as it moved further and further up. It encircled the man in front of his brother, and even though Fili knew he should intervene, he did not. He just stood and watched. He often wondered what Kili thought about when he killed. Did he feel regret for what he was doing? Did he have any care or emotions besides rage, fear, and obedience left? Was there anything left of the one he used to know?

He stepped forward, turning away from the plea for help in the man's eyes before the ichor covered his face. He didn't even look like a man any longer, more like a pulsing column of oily blackness. He was sure the man was probably screaming as he was slowly killed, but he didn't hear a sound. It wasn't the first time that he had seen someone destroyed like this and he wondered what this one had done to have to face Kili's emotionless visage as he sentenced him.

"Do you enjoy watching me work, Fili?"

"I admire the form and the artistry of it, but I do not enjoy that you do it."

"Then why didn't you try to save him? Or was it because you didn't want to try and face me in a fight that you might not be able to walk away from in the end?"

"I am not afraid of you, Kili," he said quietly, truthfully. No, he was not afraid of Kili. "Maybe I'm a sadistic bastard and like to watch people suffer at your hands." Not completely a lie as he loved seeing how powerful Kili had become. "Maybe I am gathering information on you so that I can destroy you."

Kili waved his hand and the glistening pillar blew up into a surge of flames, then collapsed into itself on the ground. He turned to look at Fili, even as the black tendrils shot out around him, swirling and pulsing until they settled against his back and became the blackest wings he had ever seen.

"Don't you remember, Fili? You destroyed me a very long time ago."  
  
  


**********

 

When he was alone and he closed his eyes and thought about everything that happened in the past, he could always clearly remember the moment that he had failed his brother. The moment he had fucked everything up beyond redemption.

Times had always been hard for them, even before they had fallen in battle and been reincarnated again in a far-off land that was so different from their home. As hard as it was to admit and believe, their deaths at Ravenhill was probably the last time things hadn't torn them apart. Being reborn together had seemed like a blessing at the time -- especially since they clearly remembered everything that had happened before. Admitting that they loved each other in that time and then when they were reborn was as natural as breathing.

And if it was taboo in the new day and age, neither one of them cared. He was complete when he was buried deep within his brother's body; with Kili whispering prayers into his skin like he was worshiping him as they loved each other. When he inhaled, Kili exhaled and that was what was right and needed as far as they were concerned. They were two parts of the same soul and their hearts could be said to beat as one.

It should have been enough. It should have been all that he needed when it always had been before. In that time, he knew that Kili loved him as he loved his brother and it was as close to perfection as he could get. He had what he had always wanted most in the past and it should have been enough. He should have been content.

But he was always a thinker and planner and he began to wonder how he could make things so much better for him and Kili.

Conning and thievery became second nature to him, something that he had tried to hide from Kili. At the time he thought that he was protecting him by shielding him from how horrible people could be to each other in their new time. His Kili who was focusing on art and learning how to fight with fists and different weapons. His Kili who was determined that none would ever hurt or separate them again.

How ironic, then, that it was _Fili_ who hurt him, failed him, separated from him.

Fili who had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

He no longer remembered the name of the woman, only that she was the latest mark. His job was to seduce her and then rob her blind. He didn't think at the time that there was anything wrong with what he did. After all, it was only sex and what he felt for Kili went much deeper than that. It wasn't betraying what they had when it was just his body and not his heart and soul.

It was a job and nothing more.

Unfortunately, he had been wrong; so very, very wrong.

He wasn't even sure how Kili had ended up finding them, much less walking into the room and seeing them in bed together. What he was sure of was the pain he had seen on his brother's face and how he was sure that his heart was breaking right in front of him. Breaking even as Fili watched.

And instead of leaving and going after him when Kili fled from the room, he had stayed. He had stayed in bed with that long forgotten woman and finished what he had started. It was a job, after all. He could explain things to Kili later and get him to understand that he still loved him, still worshiped him. He would get him to understand that this was the only way that they could get everything they needed to have the life they dreamed of.

When he finally went home, though, Kili was nowhere to be found. He waited for hours and his brother never returned. By this time, Fili had gotten seriously drunk and continued to drink as he tried to figure out what had happened and where his brother might have disappeared to. When his contact called him to do a job, Fili had been in a temper and feeling meaner than mean so he had gone.

He didn't recall the details of that job, but what happened next was still very clear in his memory -- even as long as it had been since then. Millenia could pass him by and he would always remember the night he failed the one person who had counted on him and believed in him.

When he finally arrived home, it was two days later and he had known immediately that something was very wrong. The door was closed, which wasn't unusual. No, it was the fact that even with the curtains closed, Fili could see dim light leaking around the edges of the windows. He had placed his hand on the barrel of his gun before he quietly entered the house.

When he got to the living room, what he saw both panicked and enraged him.

Kili, his Kili, was hanging by his wrists from a hook that had been embedded in their ceiling. He was mostly nude, clad only in his smalls and Fili could see bruises and cuts along that beautiful body he loved so much. When one of the men there yanked his hair back to lift his head, Fili could see that one of his eyes was swollen almost closed and his face was bleeding.

There were four of them and in the red light that seemed to come from nowhere and surrounded them and Kili, Fili had realized both what they were and that he was vastly outnumbered.

Demons. And not just the usual demons, no. These were guys high up in the food chain of one of the gangs that the people Fili worked for were in direct competition with. They must have come looking for him and found Kili instead. They didn't seem to realize he was there and belatedly, Fili remembered the charms his boss had put on him that allowed him to slip in and out of places undetected.

They didn't see him, but Kili did.

Of course, Kili did.

Kili who always seemed to know exactly where Fili was.

He had tried to hold his head up, staring right at Fili. His eyes were full of pain and fear... and hope. Hope that his big brother was going to help him; was going to save him.

"Fili..."

The pain and the fear in his weakened voice cut through Fili like a weapon even now, decades later.

The demons had turned their heads, looking in the direction that Kili was staring into. One stepped toward him and Fili broke. He turned and ran. Ran down the hall and out of the house. As he ran, he called up one of the charms he had been taught by the boss and vanished from the area.

But not before he heard Kili's screams from behind him and him crying his name in hysterics.

It was the last time he saw Kili for a long time. When he returned to the house under cover of a new spell a few days later, Kili was gone and the living room smelled like burning flesh and old blood. At first, he had felt a sliver of hope because there was no sign of Kili's dead body. But as he learned soon after that, there could be things much worse than death.

 

 

The first time he had seen Kili again had been about ten years later and there was none of the love and gentleness he had been used to seeing in Kili's eyes. In fact, the only thing that caused him to recognize his brother was the fact that he would know his face anywhere. The amber eyes were a dark brown, almost black and his black hair had grown really long. It also moved like it had a life of its own and that was slightly disturbing to see.

Of course, that was also the day he had watched Kili kill someone and express no remorse about it.

And the day that he realized he had condemned his beloved brother and soulmate to something worse than death. All of his humanity had been stripped away and he resembled the demons that had attacked and tortured him.

He was lethal and remorseless in his attacks, but Fili still thought he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He still wanted to hold him down and fuck him as he had done in better times.

He could tell the exact moment Kili had realized he was there and watching his brutal attack. His body stiffened and his nostrils flared as if he was a predator that had caught a scent. He tilted his head and then turned slightly. His eyes looked like burning coals when he caught sight of his older brother. His hands curled into fists and Fili could see that his nails had lengthened and looked sharper than any mortal man should have.

No, not nails. Oh gods, were those _claws_?!

Kili stepped toward him, mouth twisting in a snarl and Fili moved in his direction, willing to confront him and find out what had happened the night he had left him. However, he never got that chance. One of the others grabbed Kili by the back of his neck and turned, throwing him into a slash of blackness in the air that had not been there before. Before Fili could blink, Kili and the rest of the demons that had been with him were gone.

Fili would like to say that he went out to search for Kili right after that sighting, but he did not. It was one more thing that he was ashamed of and felt guilty over.

No, instead he had retreated to his new home and got very, very drunk. It was something that he had been doing more and more often since the night he had lost his brother. He should have been happy that Kili wasn't dead, and in a way he really was. However, he wasn't sure if it was better for Kili that he hadn't been killed that night. After all, what he had seen was not the brother he remembered. In fact, except for the facial structure and his dark hair, he didn't resemble his Kili very much at all. (Not that he had seen much of his body due to whatever layers he was wearing.)

Thinking about Kili's body made him groan as his mind drifted back to more pleasant times between them. He closed his eyes and it was like all of the years he had gone through since that night faded away and all he saw was the one that had been his entire universe. Kili had been his world since he was born back in the Blue Mountains in Middle Earth and then when they had been reborn. They had been linked from the time of Kili's birth and the link only severed each time by the death of his brother.

The death of Kili.

That day on Ravenhill when he had witnessed Kili die he had thought that he would never be happy or at peace again. He had watched the snow become stained with Kili's blood and he hadn't cared if he was long for the world or not. (He had not been; dying shortly after his brother and very relieved of it.) There had not been anything left in the world for him when his brother's eyes were closed permanently.

Being born again as brothers in a new world and a new time had not been something he had ever expected, but something he had been very thankful for. They had been close as children, closer than most would have liked them to be. After they both matured into teenagers it was as natural as breathing for them to move in tandem as they had in their previous life. The first time they had kissed had been like coming home after a very long journey. They were no longer dwarves, but that didn't matter to them. They were still one, carved from matching stone for each other and none could interfere with that. They would not allow any to part them and as soon as Fili came of age, he had run away from the town they were born in -- taking Kili with him.

It had not been easy for them in those early days, but then, when had things ever been easy for them in any sense of the word? Fili was determined to support the two of them on his own, and he had. He worked during the day -- or the night, whenever he found jobs to do -- and when he was home he and Kili were wrapped up in each other.

He had many good memories of Kili on his knees in front of him, his brother holding him close as he eased his cock into his mouth and then deeper into his throat. It had been said by some people that would meet them on the streets that Kili had a mouth and body built for sin and no one knew that more than Fili. In fact, he was the only one that knew just how Kili's body felt naked against his own, held tightly in his arms. He alone knew how tight and warm Kili's body was when he was buried within him. He was the only one that knew the kinds of sounds his soulmate made when they were going at each other as if they were afraid that they would never have another day or night together. He was jealously possessive of Kili, and Kili was the same way with him. They belonged to each other and none could ever come between them.

Never... until something did.  
  
  


**********

 

Fili wasn't sure how many years passed before he saw Kili again. He knew that it was long after things had changed for him and he became one of the Fallen. Some called them angels, but Fili knew better. He had never been an angel. That much was evident from how many demons he counted as friends or that he had fucked. Surely any angel -- even a fallen one -- wouldn't be able to do play with demons and not be affected? But he was what he was and he learned what he could of how the world was changing. He witnessed cities rise and fall and in fact had helped several cities do both.

He was in one such city when he came face to face with Kili. This time, however, Kili looked to be alone and he did not hesitate to acknowledge that he had seen Fili. It would have been hard for him to pretend not to see him being as how they had ended up coming for the same quarry. And though Kili had laid hands on it first, Fili still tried to take possession of it.

To some, it was a mistake. To Fili, it was an opportunity to see exactly what had become of his brother.

The fight that erupted between them was less of a fight and more of a dance in Fili's eyes. Every time he moved, Kili moved to match him. There was a sensuality to every movement his brother made that had never been part of him before. He lashed out to draw blood without any hesitation and this new violence did strange things to Fili's perceptions. He now knew first hand that everything about Kili had changed -- even his body.

He had always been slender, but now it was like his entire body had been honed into some kind of lethal machine. He was a weapon and he moved like it. There had been very few times in the past that he could have bested Fili in a spar of any kind, but now they were very well matched. And although Fili had changed a great deal and had been trained by some of the best warriors among the Fallen, it was obvious that Kili had been trained, as well.

Part of that made Fili sad, though. Because while he was incredibly turned on by the way Kili moved, he also mourned some of the things that he could see had been taken away from him. His laughing, joyful eyes were now full of rage and violence. There were flames in his eyes and Fili knew that it was not anything good. There was now a darkness that hovered around Kili and he knew that Kili's soul was not the same as it used to be. There was an edge there, ragged and jagged and Fili wondered if it cut apart his insides.

It was a fair question to ask, especially when Kili managed to overpower him and slam him into a wall. Kili should never have been able to get the upper hand and if Fili hadn't been so distracted by watching him move, it might never have happened.

He expected pain, hell, he might have even expected death. He could see his death reflected back from Kili's eyes. A death that Kili felt that he deserved and maybe he was right to think that. After all, hadn't Fili abandoned him to his fate when all Kili had ever done was believe in him? What he didn't expect was for Kili to press his body tightly against his, letting him feel every muscle moving beneath his skin as he rubbed against him. He knew that Kili could feel how hard he was -- just as he could feel how hard Kili was. He didn't make a sound, waiting to see what Kili would do before he broke free so that Kili couldn't try to kill him. But the fact that Kili wanted to hurt him aside, Fili could not deny how much he wanted him. Still wanted him even after everything that had happened or been done to them both.

And Kili, damnation take him, _knew_. He knew that his lust for him was his weakness right now.

Kili pushed him harder against the wall, his body pressed so closely against his that he would have sworn Kili was trying to crawl into his skin. His brother brought his face near enough to his that Fili could count the small freckles across his nose that seemed faded now. Kili's lips were mere millimeters from his and before he could decide what to do about that, Kili spoke.

"One of these days, _Big Brother_ , one of these days you will have to make a choice." His voice had a husky quality to it, one that had Fili thinking very inappropriate thoughts considering the position he was in. "I will either kill you or you will have to kill me, but you will have to choose. Because one day, I will be coming for you." He let his breath ghost across Fili's lips. "One of these days, I will hate you that fucking much."

Fili barely had time to process that promise and threat before Kili was kissing him. He was kissing him hard enough to draw blood. It was sharp and painful, but Fili relished the pain in this moment. His lips burned, but he was kissing Kili back, his tongue invading Kili's mouth to slide against his.  He tilted his hips against Kili's and was gratified by the low growl of want that vibrated in Kili's throat. The kiss turned from dance to hunger as their bodies rubbed against each other in a well-remembered rhythm. He could almost pretend everything was like it had been in the past. He could almost pretend that the last several years had not happened. He could almost pretend that he held his universe once again.

But then Kili pulled back, holding him firmly against the wall so he couldn't easily follow the movements of his body. Their eyes met and Fili saw the lust dancing in those darkened eyes. And yet, he saw nothing else remaining of the boy that he had known in this man. Those beloved eyes looked black with a hint of red flickering in their depths. As he was trying to sort this out in his mind, Kili leaned forward and licked along the corner of his mouth.

"Your blood tastes the sweetest."

 

 

Later that same night, Fili propositioned the first sexy as hell dark-haired man who crossed his path and came harder in his mouth than he had in the years since he had first lost Kili.  
  
  


**********

 

"You know, if I didn't know better, I would say that you were stalking me."

Fili gave him that slow smirk that he knew infuriated him -- dwarf, human, or whatever he was now. Kili always got riled up at him when he did that.

"Is it my fault that you have the bad habit of going after what is mine and I just happen to show up to stop you every time?"

"You don't stop me every time, Fili. You just have gotten lucky a few times. Your luck will not always hold out."

It was some years later and now they were both facing off over some damned statue that each of their bosses wanted. The battle between them had been messy, bloody and arousing as all hell. They were deadly enemies but they still wielded the power of lust and want over each other's bodies. Kili may have no longer loved him, but he damn sure still wanted him.

Which was why later he had Kili face down on a pile of material they had found with his dick buried deep in his ass. They were still wearing the blood of each other, but at that moment, they didn't care. He had fucked hard and deep into Kili, causing the other to howl and tear at the material beneath him. Kili was so hot around his dick and every time he moved he could feel his body tightening around him. He shifted his position so that every time he pulled out and thrust back in he would press against Kili's prostate driving him ever closer to an explosion. Finally, finally, he felt that last shudder and Kili's ass tightened around him again. He growled as he felt Kili cum -- fluid shooting out and staining the ground -- and pounded into him until his own orgasm ripped through him and he released deep into Kili's body.

After a few minutes of laying there and getting their senses under control again, Kili rolled to his feet and pulled his pants back up, buckling them as he went.

"This changes nothing."  
  
  


**********

 

Sometimes Fili wondered how different things would have been if he had never wandered down the path that split him from Kili. What if he had never started the work that he had become so good at? Would things have stayed happy between the two of them? Would they have stayed safe and been allowed to live out a normal, natural lifetime loving each other until they died minutes apart in their old age?

Or would something still have happened that turned them into the unholy, immortal creatures that they now were; destined to be against each other for the rest of their existence?

Granted, this whole thing had happened because of him, but if he had done even one thing a bit differently, would that have changed anything?

He'd like to believe that it would have.

He'd like to believe that maybe if he had chosen a more placid path that maybe Kili would still be at his side and he wouldn't be whatever creature he had been turned into that night so long ago.

Maybe if he had done even one thing differently, that even if they had been changed into things beyond their knowledge and control then at least they might have been together. If they were doomed to be transformed into whatever they might be now then at least they would have faced all of the long decades together. They wouldn't have been separated for the past however many years it had been.

And maybe he wouldn't have lost track of exactly how much time passed him by. He wasn't all that good about paying attention to the passing of time any longer -- except for measuring time by how long it was between meetings with Kili.

That was his only touchstone as to how many years he survived being what he was. He counted the years between sightings of his brother; between times that met up or fucked before he disappeared again.

All in all, it was not a very accurate way to track time.

But damn it, he had decided it was better than nothing and it kept him trying to focus on things and not giving into too much despair.

Too much.

Being apart from his soulmate caused a little more pain each decade and hardened another part of him.

He was a Fallen, but his heart was still very much intact.  
  
  


**********

 

The first time he had seen Kili feed on someone he had been shocked... and more turned on than disgusted. What did that say about him?

He and three of his team had arrived in a city to do battle against the darker demons that were attacking a stronghold. It was supposed to be neutral ground -- off-limits to angels, Fallen, and demons alike.

Kili and his masters must not have received that memo -- or they disregarded it. Because of that, Fili and his team had been sent there to dispatch the demons in question. He had known that Kili would probably be there and went because he couldn't allow any hand but his own to put his brother down. It would have to be him. He owed his brother that much.

What he would do with himself after his brother was gone was not something he had given much thought to. He didn't like thinking about his life after Kili was removed from existence.

Could he continue on the day that he was finally able to free Kili from his servitude to whatever master had him chained? Would he even want to be alive after that battle? He didn't know and he tried not to think too much of it as it led to depression or him doing very stupid things.

Doing stupid things is what had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

Well, it had gotten Kili into a mess and had caused him to be shackled to the world of demons and a slave to their tricks and torture.

He still didn't know what the hell had happened to cause him to be added to the ranks of the Fallen. Not quite an angel, but definitely not a demon. Fallen hovered somewhere in the middle. Being in the middle meant that they were supposed to be neutral but also still fight the good fight to keep balance in the world between the angels and the demons that walked in the world. Neither side could gain the upper hand or then everything would be thrown into massive chaos. What exact chaos would be caused he didn't know and he was not above admitting that he really didn't care. His existence was already loss and chaos so what did it matter to him if that happened to the world in general?

Only it did matter to him in some way and it was why he continued to fight to protect those that were weak and helped strengthen those that wanted to fight.

He forced him to shake off those maudlin thoughts and memories to focus on the issue at hand.

The issue being that his brother and the ones he was with doing their level best to destroy the bastion of neutrality that was supposed to be protected. He didn't see Kili at first, but he could _feel_ him. Beyond that, he could also smell him. While the others of his group faced off with the first demons they spotted, Fili tracked his brother. When he found him, it took him a moment to process what he was seeing.

Kili was standing in the middle of a passageway and holding on to a woman. To his side there were shadows and another woman looked to be wrapped up in those shadows as they swirled around her. Kili's face was buried in the neck of the woman he was holding and Fili could not look away. The woman's eyes were closed and it looked like she was sleeping -- until Kili lifted his face up and Fili saw that his mouth was painted red with blood. He let go of his victim and she fell to the ground without a sound. Kili stretched out a hand and it was then the Fili realized that the shadows trapping his other victim were actually _connected_ to Kili's body. The shadows started retracting back into him, bringing the other woman close enough for Kili to reach out and grab her.

He didn't bite her, that was not what Fili was seeing. In fact, this woman seemed like she was happy to see Kili and after a moment Fili could smell the heavy scent of lust in the air. He could barely breathe, his eyes fixed on his brother and the woman that very obviously wanted him. Kili pulled her flush against his body and the tendrils and shadows seemed to tremble around them. The scent of lust grew thicker and Fili could not have turned away if he wanted to.

He did not want to.

He did not see exactly what Kili did, but he did see that his hands were clearly just holding the woman close as she rutted against him and made soft sounds of desire. He could not tear his eyes away as the woman seemed to lose herself against Kili, her arousal and need climbing high enough that it was almost a tangible thing in the air. She suddenly stiffened in Kili's arms, screaming sharp and loud -- but it was not a pain-filled scream. She shuddered, her release seeming to fill the hall and then her entire body suddenly collapsed into ash, falling softly like snow around Kili's feet.

Fili stared, not wanting to admit to what he was feeling but also having another piece of the puzzle fitting into his awareness. Kili lifted his eyes and looked right at him, eyes turned a light amber tinted with red and glazed with lust. He had never seen anything as terrifying as what he had just witnessed; nor had he ever seen anything as sexy and arousing as Kili in all of his darkness. He knew that he should feel ashamed that watching Kili kill like this had made his cock so hard that it was near pain, but he wasn't.

 _Incubus_ , his mind supplied. Somehow, during the time that Kili had been enslaved by the demons and they had tortured and transformed him he became this deadly beauty in front of him. He had known that Kili could kill, all demons could kill. What he didn't know was that Kili could kill in such a way that a victim would give their life to him willingly -- as that woman had.

What would it be like to feel all of that power directed at him, knowing that it couldn't kill him?

He saw Kili's lip twitch and had no doubt that he knew what he was thinking.

He watched Kili open his hand and then one of those shadowy tendrils was approaching him. He was not about to stand down or run from Kili because he honestly did not fear him. He still feared _for_ him but he was not afraid of Kili himself. Maybe a wiser man would be. 

Fili was not a wiser man.

Kili turned his hand to the side and the tendril caressed the side of Fili's face. Fili didn't move but that tendril felt just like a hand would have felt against him. As that one caressed his face, he felt another one and then yet another moving across his body. He kept his eyes locked on Kili's eyes, not about to back down from the challenge he knew that Kili was throwing at him. Kili smirked and then Fili had to bite back a groan as he felt one of those tendrils close around his cock and squeeze. It squeezed and stroked and squeezed again. Fili bit back the things he wanted to say and tried to keep still and in control as those wicked shadows did their best to bring him to orgasm.

Then just as suddenly as Kili had started the "attack" he stopped and he pulled the tendrils back into himself. He ran his tongue over his lips and then smirked again.

"You can almost taste me, can't you?" He mocked, his eyes burning like coals. "You saw what I can do and you still want me. You want me to surround you with everything I am while you fuck me as hard as you possibly can. You want me to carve my mark into your body like my name is carved into your soul. Right now, you crave me so much that you might let me take everything you are and turn you to ash as I did her."

By the time Fili could find his voice and the words to deny what Kili had said, his brother was gone.

 

 

That night, he fucked a Fallen with red hair and green eyes until they were both raw and screaming their release into the void that surrounded them. Anything, everything to purge Kili's words from his mind and Kili's body from his memory. It doesn't come close to success. He had his demons and ghosts that he was trying to purge from his mind and his partner apparently had his as well.  They used each other to combat their demons and whatever else was torturing them. Fili had never approached sex with anyone as a marathon or something to wield as a weapon, but he did that night.

His partner did the same and they took and took everything that they could from each other. From pleasure to pain and back again they focused on each other and trying to rid themselves of the pain and darkness they were trapped in.  
   
They did not exchange names and they did not share stories or their hearts.  It was never about that or about even wanting a connection like that. They were in pain, pure and simple, and they needed to find an outlet for that pain. They both felt that they were damned and they had no qualms about focusing that anger and pain on each other. If they attacked each other with sex and violence then no one else around them would get hurt by their edges.

 

 

Three days later he found that very same Fallen pinned to a wall with his ribcage cracked and spread open like a second set of wings. His bones glistened white in the sun and his heart was missing. His actual wings were spread up behind him, stained with his blood and something else that Fili could not readily identify. He had no doubt that it was Kili that killed him, though he didn't know how. That Fallen had been one of the strongest Fili had known. He had sported bruises for a few hours after they were finished so he was very well aware of how strong he had been.

It was clear that he had been slaughtered and left like that as a message for Fili. He just wished that he knew what the message was supposed to be.


	2. Burying the Voices of My Conscience Hitting the Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wings don’t suit you. Horns would look better.”

There were times he wondered if he deserved that hatred and disdain that Kili showered him with each time they met.

After all, if he hadn't run from their house that night and left him behind they never would have come to this.

Or maybe he started them down this path long before this when he got involved with illegal activities instead of honest work. If he hadn't those demons and thugs wouldn't have been at their house that night to punish Kili for something Fili had done. His actions had stolen things from the one he loved above all in so many ways.

Could he have changed anything or was everything already preordained like members of his team of Fallen believed? If it was all preordained and arranged for them, then he was always meant to love his brother... and he was always meant to betray him and leave him to imprisonments and punishments that he would never have wished on anyone.

No, accepting it as all being set in motion long before their births meant he was always meant to hurt and betray the one that mattered to him more than his own life and he just could not accept that as truth or fact. That was taking the coward's way out and he had acted the coward once already. That was one time too many for him. After all, it had cost him more than he had ever been willing to pay.

He was drawn from his thoughts by one of the others near him.

"I hear Asrah has a new pet and that is never a good thing for anyone."

They all groaned and Fili sighed, shaking his head. "What happened to Belial? That's been his pet and weapon for as long as I can remember."

"That serpent was killed. It's rumored he was killed by the new pet. The new guy is called Ravnos and no one who goes against him -- on his side or ours -- seems to escape unscathed. Apparently, this one was taken and trained from the very beginning by Asrah and his lieutenants. They broke him down and destroyed all he was, only to build him back up in their image. Not only did he kill the Serpent, he apparently killed two lieutenants and scarred Asrah before he was contained."

"It doesn't matter," Fili murmured. "One enemy is always replaced by another and we'll continue to remove one head only for another to sprout in its place. It's always like battling a hydra when dealing with them. A new pet on that side won't cause us to lose any additional sleep."

There was silence for a long moment and then one of the others cleared his throat. "Fili... you might not say that when you end up coming face to face with him."

Fili's blood ran cold as he turned to look at the speaker. "Why do you say that?"

"Because he looks a lot like your brother that you said had been killed years ago."

He didn't want to believe it, but the things he had seen the last time he ran into him -- and what had been done to the Fallen he had fucked afterward after that -- tied things together far too tightly.

"Kili is dead. He was killed by the same assholes who like to hunt and take what doesn't belong to them."

"The same could be said for us, Fili."

"Yeah, but we're the ones that are going to win this war because we at least try to stay within the boundaries we were set down in."

"We're Fallen, Fili, just like they are. None of us are very good at maintaining boundaries."

"Really? So is that why they have a higher kill rate of innocents that are caught between us than we do? Should we cut through innocents that get into our path so we stand covered in the same amount of blood as they do? We're Fallen, yes, it's true. But we've also proven there is a difference between us and them -- a difference that our creator purposefully set into us." His blue eyes blazed at each one of the group that he looked at. "If not, then why do so many of us try not to kill others unless we absolutely have to? Why do we focus our anger, rage and blood thirst on each other or _Them_ if we are truly no different?"

"Why are we the ones that fight Them, Fili," one of the newer members asked. "None of us wanted this. None of us asked to be made into what we are."

"Fili did." One of the elder Fallen responded. "He's one of the few that approached and volunteered for this tour of hell and damnation."

Eyes turned to him in shock. Only a very select few knew he hadn't been randomly recruited or _saved_ from worse fates as many had been.

"But... why?" That same new arrival asked.

"Because I killed my brother."

Fili let that hang in the air for a moment before he got to his feet and walked into the darkness alone. He was no longer in the mood to be around any others of his kind.  
  
  
  
He really shouldn't have been surprised when the new one that questioned him turned up dead and hung upside down a few days later. He probably should have felt anger or disgust as he stared upon the body of one of the ones that had been a part of his group. He probably should have been upset to see every organ had been pulled out and hung on the broken pieces of the man's splayed rib cage like some weird Christmas tree with bloody ornaments. Instead, he wondered if this was some new damnation that was crawling into his mind that he couldn't help but to admire the artistry of these two personal kills Kili had made and left for him.

Damnation that he was sure was well deserved.

Kills that he had no doubt were left for him personally.

But why? The first one, well, he could almost rationalize it by saying Kili had been jealous. After all, he had tried to get him riled up that he would reach for him to slake that hunger. Hunger that he always felt for Kili -- even now when their world had changed. And when Kili vanished before Fili could launch himself at him, he had found another to use in order to make that ache go away and that desire fade just a little bit. Kili may have wanted him to suffer and burn after that encounter, but Fili was not one to let his desires burn him up and remain locked up.

And Kili would have known that better than anyone else.

Fili was never one not to act on his desires and not to take what he wanted or needed when it came to his pleasure. He didn't recall that ever getting someone killed before, but he had never cared if it did. Of course, before, his desires had been centered completely on Kili.

Now it seemed that Kili's attention was focused on him and what manner he chose to search out his desires.

So, he hadn't been too surprised to find the Fallen he had fucked so thoroughly dead and left as a message, but this second death was something that he hadn't expected. There was no reason that he would have sparked Kili's ire since he had never touched him. In fact, he had had no desire to touch him in any way beyond teaching him how to fight and survive.

He was not anyone he had ever felt attraction to. He was someone how needed to learn to fight and survive in this world and that had been Fili's only interest in him. After all, usually, anyone trained by him lasted a lot longer than other greens on other teams. On their team, most of the newbies had a better chance at surviving their first year in this war.

Apparently, this one didn't get that memo and for some reason, he had attracted the angry attention of Kili. And no matter how much he turned it over in his head and tried to make sense of things, he couldn't figure out the answer to this particular riddle.  
  
  
  
Several days later he was again in a battle near a supposed neutral ground and caught sight of the one that was so deep under his skin that he knew he would never be able to have that wound excised. He was lethal but he was also dangerously beautiful as he cut through those that ran at him, determined to take him down and earn accolades from their leaders. None of them were any Fili recognized, so he knew he hadn't had any part in their training or anything that they had done before this fight. They hadn't been trained very well for battles like this because rather than rushing Kili in a group, they were attacking him one by one.

For Fili, this was a good thing as it meant it kept that side busy while he would be able to reach the statue that his side wanted to gain possession of. It was rumored to have amazing properties for healing and strengthening personal defenses, so he could understand why everyone wanted to get their hands on it.

He had reached the Sanctuary where the statue was housed and had barely entered it when he felt the arrival of the one he was convinced his soul would be tied to for all of eternity. He sighed, shaking his head even as he continued toward the pedestal where the statue was on display.

"You know I'm not going to let you leave here with my quarry, Fili."

Fili shrugged. "You'll have to take it from me then." He turned to look at him in time to see those satiny black wings that he wanted to feel against his skin drifting to a stillness and then laying against his back. “Wings don’t suit you. Horns would look better, Kili.” He paused, tilting his head. "Or should I call you Ravnos, now?"

A flash of fire in those black eyes and then Kili smiled, showing the whiteness of his teeth. "A title more than a name. It's what they fastened to me; it's not something that belongs to me."

"Oh? And what does belong to you now, Kili? Obviously, free will is not one of those things."

"Careful, Fili. I am free to do anything that I want -- or else you would have been dead and your blood nourishing the ground a long time ago."

"Yeah? So why haven't you ended this dance between us, then?"

"Because our dance hasn't even started and therefore we are nowhere near close to our grand finale on the stage."

"How many more times am I going to have to say how fucking sorry I am about everything that happened, Kili?"

Kili scoffed and the eyes he turned on Fili were burning with unnatural fire, just like they always did when they saw each other now.

"How should I know? You've never even said it once."  
  
  
  
Fili spent several hours after that holed up alone in a cave that he had discovered long ago and had continued to retreat to when he wanted to be alone. Was Kili right? Had he never once told Kili how sorry he was about everything that had happened? Had he never once owned up to what he had caused and expressed regret about what had happened to the person he loved more than his own existence?

Could he have really not apologized for everything that had happened leading up to that night and afterward?

He didn't think that sounded exactly right, but Kili seemed so sure when he dropped those words on him. There had been no pause, no hesitation of any kind when Kili threw that information at him. It made no sense, but ever since he had been changed, Kili had been brutally honest with anything he said to him. What reason would he have to utter such a lie this time?

Unless it truly was no lie.

If he had never expressed any kind of remorse about everything that happened, then it was no wonder that Kili had so much additional anger towards him. Oh, he knew he deserved the rage and hatred for what had been done, but it had always struck him that there was something else hidden within Kili's words and actions towards him. Was it at all likely that it was something so simple as hurt and bitterness that Fili never once had shown or vocalized any kind of regret for the pain he had caused his beloved -- even before what he had been taken and turned into?

Fili didn't want to believe it was true, but as he tried to think back to every meeting, altercation, or intense session of fucking that they had, he couldn't once recall ever saying a simple apology to Kili.

Granted, they had been in this dance for several decades, maybe even centuries by now so it was true he may have forgotten something. However, the slightest hint of pain in Kili's eyes before he had vanished made him believe that his brother and former lover had the right of it.

While he had wallowed and cursed himself -- and found other forms of punishment -- for his mistakes and condemning Kili to his fate that night so very damn long ago, he had apparently never made any kind of show of that to the one that had always been the most important to him.

In all of this time, Kili had not known or even thought that Fili cared what had happened or had any remorse for it. In all of these years, the one that he once would have razed kingdoms for believed that he had never held any sadness or regrets for the punishment and hell he had been consigned to.

It was no wonder that every time they met, no matter how much they were pulled to touch each other, there was always a bite of anger and bitterness in Kili's voice and words.

Bite he well deserved.


End file.
